Wednesday, 26 November 2008

• meaningless

  I am too much of a coward to take my own life when I want to.  I jolt at the sight of blood. I cannot let myself die in a messy way. I want to die gracefully.

  I am sick of life.  I am sick of living. I am sick of being this sick.

  Someone have a mercy and just shoot me.

  I wrote my will, if you can call it that.  "All my assets shall proceed to my mom and my dad"

  Funny, their assets have been my assets.

  I've not even earned enough money to buy them presents out of my own pocket money.

  I am sorry, mom and dad.  I guess I fucked up.

  I have no more courage to go on.

  I feel like a burden to you and I cannot allow myself to be a parasite leeching off your hard earned money.

  I nearly jumped at an oncoming traffic the day of the break up. I just wanted to die then.

  It's not because he left me.

  It's because I found out how meaningless everything is.  and seems.

  I have no joy and pleasure of going on from day to day.

  I feel like a living corpse.

  Four years ago, I had an altercation with dad because I told him I wanted to go to grad school and he refused to talk to me or treat me as his daughter.  I felt so trapped.  I went up to roof of building to get some air, and saw all of the city down at my feet.  I had an impulse to jump. 

  If I jumped then, I wouldn't have lived to see my parents happy because I got accepted to a school they wanted me to go to, and I wouldn't have lived to experience my first love.

  I feel as lonely as ever, standing on the rooftop four years back, deliberating if I should take the step forward or not off the ledge. 

  • 6:54 PM
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• Ugly truths

  • I smoke.
  • I slack off at work.
  • I have no patience.
  • I use swear words all the time.
  • I dress myself in revealing scanty clothes because sometimes I like the wrong attention.
  • I can drink like a fish.
  • I made out with some people that I normally wouldn't do anything to under sober circumstances.

  I want to be more spiritual.. I want to put some order back into my life.

  • 7:31 AM
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• first entry

   

  I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE

  that's a fact that I was willing to ignore when I thought I was in love.  Thankfully, I've woken up from this illusion. 

  Now I am apathetic and numb to everything.  It makes me wonder why was I so sensitive about everything to begin with. It's so much easier to go through life without crying over little things that matter so little in the end.  Attachment to people and materials are only tangible and passing, and only thing that I know to be constant and unfleeting through time is myself. 

  Another truth I discovered is this: I really don't care that much about anyone else except me.  And no one really cares about me either but for themselves.  Surprise surprise!  I don't feel bad saying this, but a month ago, I'd have tormented myself with guilt.  I get sick and tired of listening to people talk about themselves, about their days and asking me to listen to them all the time.. I am sick and tired of talking about myself too, because my life is boring and I have an uninteresting personality.  I am more interested in drama that happens outside the realm of this world.. in some fantasy land far off from here..

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• Hi everyone! I'm just getting started on Xanga... Drop me a comment if you've got some ideas on what to do first - or just to say, "Hi!"

  • 3:51 AM
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